A Sound of Sheer Silence

I remember what a beautiful day it was.  It was late October, by far the best time of year in most places but especially in the Midwest.  It was probably in the low 50s, with the wind blowing the fallen leaves around, making that distinctive crackling/shuffling sound that will always be associated in my mind with autumn.  The sun was shining in that low, pre-winter angle that gives everything a glow.  It was like something out of a picture book. The night before we had a storm.  I remember that because I was up most of the night, lying in my bed, listening to the wind.  I love listening to the sound of storms normally--I usually find it very soothing, relaxing.  But not that night.  That night, I remember very clearly having this fantasy of the wind blowing down the tree outside my window, driving it through my bedroom, and killing me.  It seemed so real, so plausible.  And, on that night, there was a very real part of me that wanted i...

I have a friend who is going through a tough time.  Her sister is an alcoholic, and she and the rest of the family are trying to get the sister into treatment.  I am very fortunate that I have never experienced alcoholism or addiction in my family or friends, so I have no direct experience of what my friend is going through.  But in listening to my friend talk about the difficulties she and her family were having, I was struck by the parallels with something that I have experience with--mental illness. The biggest difficulty in talking with people who are in the grip of mental illness is that you can't rationally convince them that what they are doing is illogical or self-destructive.  That's because, as I have said before , the nature of mental illness is that it creates a filter through which everything is seen and experienced.  You can't convince people that what they are doing is illogical, because as seen through their distorted lens, everything they are ...

1.   Metanoia  is a wonderful Greek word that you find in the New Testament in literally hundreds of places.  Literally, metanoia means "to change your mind" ( meta =change; noia , from nous =mind).  And that literal translation is, in my view, the best one.  Unfortunately, most biblical translations render metanoia  as "repentance," which loads up a whole host of associations onto the word that reflect a very specific way in which one can change one's mind.  Repentance is a kind of metanoia , to be sure, but I think that limiting the meaning of metanoia  to "repentance" neuters the word of its full meaning. 2.  If, up until very recently, you had asked me "do you think you have good social skills?" and I was answering honestly, I would have told you, "no."   Not the worst, but certainly below average. Now, I was never actually asked that question in a direct way.  If I had been pressed on this fact, I would have suggested that ...

#3: Lucky Man by the Verve (off of Urban Hymns (1997)) The Verve is a criminally underrated band.  Everything Coldplay has done, the Verve did first and better.  They were experimenting with weird sounds and trippy music when Radiohead was writing straight forward rock songs like "Creep."  They are more interesting than Oasis, and I like Oasis. They are not well known because their career was rather short, done in by stereotypical band problems--interpersonal conflicts, drugs, financial disputes.   Urban Hymns , their best album, was also their last significant album.  In a sense, though, it is not tremendously surprising, as their music certainly conveys that they were dealing with some stuff. The song of theirs that you have heard is "Bittersweet Symphony."  It got them into trouble because it sampled an orchestral version of "The Last Time" by the Rolling Stones, resulting in all the royalties going to the Stones.  It is also famous for th...

Robin Williams died today, apparently of a suicide.  People have reacted to express their love for Williams, and rightfully so, as he was one of the most maniacally funny comedians I've ever seen.  He had a long history of struggling with addiction, and there are reports he was suffering from pouts of depression. Among the comments when one sees when someone famous commits suicide, you usually find some version of "I cannot imagine how someone would get to the point where they would do something like that." I can. I've never seriously considered committing suicide.  I've never been in that place.  But I've seen that place from where I was standing. I cannot speak to addiction, but I can speak to depression.  One of the most insidious aspects of depression is that your mind blocks out what it feels like to be in the grip of depression once it is over.  It's a defense mechanism, I am sure, but it makes every episode feel like the worst experience you...

No one will ever mistake me for a ladies' man, or some sort of Cassanova.  My track record with women has been, on the whole, not very successful.  I am 36 years old, and I am still single.  I would like to think that, in general, I am OK with this reality, but the truth is that I sometimes struggle coming to terms with this.  Despite the fact that I have wonderful friends and an amazing family, there are definitely times that I feel lonely.  There are also times when I look at being single as a failure, a black mark, a sign that I am somehow flawed and broken and defective.  That is not a pleasant feeling. Before he ended the lives of six people on Friday, Elliott Rodger took to Youtube and posted a video manifesto.  I won't link to it, because I am uncomfortable with supporting in any way what he did.  But I read a transcript of what he said in the video.  He basically claims that he is going to shoot a bunch of people, especially women...

For at least 15 years, and probably longer, I have suffered from depression.  I suppose I am fortunate, in that my depression is not as severe as it is for many people, at least based on some people's accounts that I have heard.  Nevertheless, I truly have it, and it has very real medical symptoms.  When the episodes hit, my appetite goes to nothing--I've gone a week eating only a couple of meals that I forced down through pure willpower.  I've had whole months where I would wake up every morning to prolonged bouts of nausea.  I know when I'm really in for it when, like clockwork, I suddenly snap awake at 3 or 4 in the morning, no matter how tired I am from the previous day's early rising.  So, I know that it is a real, physical condition.  And, fortunately for me, one that has proven responsive to antidepressants. That's one, completely correct and descriptive way I have of understanding what is going on with me.  But it is not the only way. ...