A Sound of Sheer Silence

A couple of years ago, I did a lengthy, multi-part review of Dr. Greg Popcak's book Holy Sex!   In general, the book was, well, not good.  There were some decent parts, but the good stuff was buried under the overwhelming tide of a stark duality--everything related to sex can be divided into "Holy Sex" (which is good) and "eroticism" (which is bad) .  It was a more sophisticated version of the "two boxes" approach to sex that causes so many problems .  Plus, there is the Popcakian weirdness, like how wearing lingerie is like clergy wearing vestments during services . But the biggest disappointment about the book is that a book like Holy Sex! is good and needed.  A nuanced take on sex and sexuality is desperately needed in Christianity, especially among more progressive visions of Christianity.  It is easy, though problematic, to simply "just say no," but it is hard to come up with a set of tools for navigating the complex and turbulent wat...

When people start talking past one another, the solution is almost always to reframe the parameters of the discussion.   On complementarity, I relied on a professional theologian to help reframe the issues.   Unfortunately, I could not find anything Professor Coakley has written about another issue that has become completely stuck (at least among Catholics)--birth control.  So, I did the next best thing--I called my friend Jason. Now, my friend Jason is Jewish, and generally speaking identifies with the Reform movement in Judaism.  The truth is that I asked Jason to think through and give his perspective on this topic because he is my friend and that I knew he would do it.  But, as it turns out, Jason is a perfect conversation partner for this topic.  As someone who takes his Judaism seriously, he is open to the idea of moral and ethical rules that are derived from religion, even if they are counter-cultural.  On the other hand, the Reform approach...

As you are aware if you consume even the slightest bit of media, the 50 Shades of Grey  movie will soon be upon us.  To gear up, the Catholic blogosphere has been quite active with its think pieces, or jeremiads, most of which reflect the view that the existence and popularity of the film is a sign that everything is going to hell in a handbasket.  As examples, you could look to Jennifer Fitz , or a pair of offerings from , you guessed it, our old pal Dr. Popcak .  Rest assured, to use the lingo of sports writing , they are HOT TAKES. Before turning to their hot takes, a brief digression.  I have this weird love for terrible movies.  Not "so good they're bad" movies like, say, the early work of Arnold Schwarzenegger; I love those movies, too, but I am talking about thoroughly terrible films.  I'm talking about the kinds of movies where you ask yourself questions like "why did they think this would be a good idea, or even an idea that had a prospect o...

I should probably stop writing about our buddy Dr. Popcak.  He's really not that important in the grand scheme of things.  Still, there is something about him that really rubs me the wrong way, especially when he talks about birth control.  What bothers me is not that I think he is wrong when he talks about NFP; I certainly think he is wrong, but that's not what bothers me.  What bothers me is that I think he is deliberately misleading people when he talks about the topic.  He is so committed to the notion that NFP is the only way to go that he seems willing to twist any evidence or circumstances into an argument supporting his position. That, combined with his incessant pimping of his books, makes me think this guy is basically a huckster--a version of the old patent medicine sellers.  Like patent medicine, real people can suffer real consequences from swallowing Popcak's medicine.  He has an obligation to be truthful about what he is selling. I don...

Update:  After posting this article, I found a great article from Richard Beck that is well worth reading. The most erotic part of the Bible, and it is not really close, is the Song of Songs.  Let's start from the beginning, where the woman says (Song of Songs 1:6): My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept! It doesn't take a great deal of imagination to figure out what "my own vineyard" refers to (hint: it has nothing to do with grapes).  Keeping with the theme of the nether-regions, the woman goes on to say (1:12): While the king was on his couch, my nard gave forth its fragrance. Once again, you have to work really hard to come up an interpretation of "my nard" which "gave forth its fragrance" that doesn't involve a vagina.  Song of Songs continues on and on in this fashion, describing two people who are really, really attracted to one another having sex in a va...

Did you know it was "NFP Week"?  I certainly did not, until I was informed of it by our old buddy Dr. Popcak.  No surprise, he is a big proponent of NFP Week, and has been writing a series of posts on in celebration of this date on the calendar.   I would like to talk about yesterday's post , but before I do, a couple of notes from the Monday post .  First, I was pleased to see that Dr. Popcak acknowledges that approximately one out of every fifty Catholics are actually using NFP (i.e. 2%).   I've mentioned the same statistic before , but I am not sure people truly understand what 2% of the female population actually means.  For example, that's approximately the same percentage of the overall population of women who are U.S. military veterans .  Or, in another direction, it is the percentage of British women who prefer their man to wear a Speedo at the beach .  It is a very, very small number of people.  Nice to see a bit of reality creeping ...

Posts in the Series: Prelude Part 1.1 Part 1.2 Part 1.3 Part 2.1 Part 2.2 Part 3.1 Part 3.2 Part 3.3 Part 4 **************** On a plane flight last weekend, I read a book by Barbara Brown Taylor called Learning to Walk in the Dark .  The core concept in the book is the distinction she draws between "solar" and "lunar" Christianity.  "Solar" Christianity, the standard way that Christianity is presented, involves a positive, pro-active, affirming message.  The news is good, your fears can be overcome, your struggles can be dealt with.  Solar Christianity provides a very clear (and comprehensive) set of solutions to your problems, or at least a set of tools to understand and manage your problems.  Those solutions are consistent, clear, and unchanging.  All you have to do is to remain in the light.  Because outside the light, there is the darkness.  The light and the darkness are wholly opposite, fundamentally opposed categories--everyth...

We come now to the last section of Holy Sex! , which consists of a series of short chapters that attempt to address problems that might crop up along the path to Infallible Loving.  By definition, this section is a mixed bag, and I have already addressed the most substantive chapter that deals with objections to NFP .  So, I'm just going to hit the chapters that stand out. Chapter 16 is about female sexual dysfunction.  I am pleased to see that he identifies "poor technique" as potential cause #1 of why a woman can't orgasm, and he advocates manual stimulation of the clitoris as a potential (at least partial) solution.  He also suggests that excessive negativity one's upbringing around sex can be a cause, which is also constructive.  But then he drifts into "guilt about past promiscuity" as a possible cause, which is problematic.  While Popcak is sticking to the story that "eroticism" leads to massive psychological wounds around sex, my exper...

Chapter 12 is about foreplay.  Most everyone acknowledges that foreplay is good, and this chapter is no exception.  Popcak makes the interesting but seemingly effective choice to break foreplay down into the various senses.  So, for example, under seeing he discusses things like wearing lingerie, under smell he suggests to use scented candles, etc.  There is nothing revolutionary or earthshaking here, but the suggestions are solid and reasonable. He also provides an unambiguous defense of oral sex.  Some might be puzzled as to why oral sex needs defending, but the traditional position of the Church opposed oral sex--hence the reason it was traditionally grouped with anal sex under the heading of "sodomy."  So, Popcak is stepping out a bit on a limb here, and he deserves his kudos for that.  He also makes clear that oral sex goes both ways, subject only to the One Rule.  Good on him for recognizing the needs of the ladies in this realm. I could...

Chapters 11 through 13 is where we get to the nitty-gritty of Infallible Loving.  Chapter 11 is yet another framing chapter, albeit more focused than the previous ones, Chapter 12 deals with foreplay, and Chapter 13 deals with intercourse.  Needless to say, this post (and the next one) is going to be the real "Sheer Silence After Dark" portion of the review, so fair warning. Before diving into the three chapters and dwelling on the weird parts, I want to talk about the good parts of these chapters.  First, it is clear Dr. Popcak's heart is in the right place.  He comes across in these chapters as utterly sincere in his desire to lead couples to have a good relationship and good sex.  Whether or not his proposals actually accomplish this is a separate question, but the intention is there.  You have to give him credit for trying very hard, particularly as he is fighting the headwinds of Catholic doctrine and practice. Second, it is clear that these chapte...

Chapter 10 is about Natural Family Planning or NFP.  To keep the topic together, I am also going to skip ahead and also cover Chapter 15 in Part 4, entitled "When NFP is Too Hard," which deals with problems and objections involving NFP. For those that might not be familiar with NFP, the idea is that the woman monitors certain physical signs in her body to determine when she is or is not fertile, and then the couple avoids sex at those times in which she is fertile.  The mechanics of how this is done varies depending on which of several methods are employed.  As NFP supporters are eager to point out at every opportunity, it is not the "rhythm method," in the sense that it does not exclusively rely on counting out the days on the 28 day ovulation cycle.  It does involve attempting to map out that cycle in detail, using those physical symptoms to plot where the woman is in the cycle at a particular point in time.  I think it is fair to think of it as "Rhythm M...

For a long time, the "Third Rail" of American politics was Social Security.  It was called a "third rail," because politicians were afraid to touch this electrified rail, for fear of receiving a (political) shock.  No one could say anything about amending or modifying Social Security, for fear of sacrificing their political career.  Other topics may be on the table, but not this one. Catholicism's Third Rail is its opposition to artificial birth control.  The American Catholic Church has hired Jones Day, one of the largest (and most expensive, though the Church is probably getting a break on fees) law firms in the country to defend the proposition that it won't pay for birth control and it can't be made to.  Jones Day and the Catholic Church is filing suit after suit all around the country in defense of this position.  No effort is being spared. But it is not just the American church.  This morning, the Vatican released the preparatory document for...

Part Two introduces us to the Five Powers of Holy Sex, which should not be confused with the five stages  of Holy Sex, or the eight ingredients  of Holy Sex we've seen earlier.  They are: Holy Sex makes the common holy. Holy Sex has sacramental and redemptive power. Holy Sex is a physical sign of God's passion for us. Holy Sex unites the couples. Holy Sex is creative. I'm going to save the last one (which is about birth control) for a separate post, because he has a lot to say about it, and so do I. It's a bit hard to talk about these chapters, because they are more than a little bit inchoate.  It took me a little while to figure out that Popcak views these as descriptive categories as opposed to prescriptive categories--these are qualities of Holy Sex, as opposed to things you should do in order to achieve Holy Sex.  Popcak goes out of his way to emphasize that these qualities are not present at all with "eroticism."  So, if you do not experi...

We'll handle the rest of Part One--Chapters 3 and 4--in the post.  Be forewarned:  there are a bunch of lists in these chapters. We start off in Chapter 3 with the promise that Popcak will explain what he calls the "eight ingredients" of Holy Sex.  But before we get to that, he has a brief section where he reiterates that Holy Sex is awesome and eroticism is terrible.  Then he says: [Being an Infallible Lover] means that if you are struggling sexually, the root of the problem most likely has more to do with your character or relationship than it does with mechanics and proper lighting.  Your sexual relationship is a microcosm of everything good and bad in your entire relationship. See, this is precisely what I was worried about in my previous post .  Can relationship problems lead to sexual problems?  Absolutely.  Are relationship problems more often the source of the problem than technical problems?  Maybe.  Are relationship probl...

Let's start with some definitions.  The word "eroticism" comes from the Greek word "eros," which referred both to the cherubic, winged deity that shot arrows at people to make them fall in love (better known by it's Roman version, Cupid) and to physical, sexual desire more generally. The closest single English word is probably "lust," but without the connotation of sinfulness that lust has.  "Sexual desire" is probably the best overall translation.  So, "eroticism" might be defined as "relating to sexual desire." Similarly, the concept of a "straw man" is defined as "a fallacy in which an opponent's argument is overstated or misrepresented in order to be more easily attacked or refuted."  Rather than point out objections to the actual argument or situation being considered, a person creates a "straw man," which may look superficially like the actual argument or situation but is reall...

No one could ever accuse Dr. Popcak of laboring under, in a phrase former President George W. Bush memorably coined, the Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations.  Here is what Dr. Popcak promises, on the first page of the Introduction: In Holy Sex!  you will discover what it takes to celebrate a toe-curling, eye-popping, mind-blowing, deeply spiritual, and profoundly sacramental sexuality--a sexual relationship that is both fully sensual and fully equipped to move beyond sensuality so that it can become an authentically transformative, spiritual encounter.  Heaven will be wedded to earth as you and your spouse walk the path toward becoming Infallible Lovers, the kind of lovers who can infuse their marital lives with a passion that reaches biblical proportions.  Literally. Wow.  Those are, needless to say, pretty bold claims.  And I will confess, right up front, my skepticism.  That skepticism is based, in part, on stories I have heard from many conservativ...

Ever since I read Frank of "Letters to the Catholic Right"'s brilliant walkthrough of J. Budziszewski's On the Meaning of Sex , I've been itching to try my hand at an extended book review.  The key to making something like that work is that you need the right book.  I kicked around the idea of doing George Weigel's Evangelical Catholicism, but I thought that spending that much time in Weigel-land would be bad for my health.  So, I was on the look out for something good. Like many good things, inspiration came from an unexpected place.  I was wasting time looking through Amazon a couple of days ago, and I saw a link to a book entitled Holy Sex!  by Dr. Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D .  The subtitle of the book is, and I quote, "A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving."  It took me about ten nanoseconds to hammer the "purchase now" button--an impulse buy, but an impulse buy of the best possible kind.  Obviously, this was t...