The Devil and Michael Boyle

For at least 15 years, and probably longer, I have suffered from depression.  I suppose I am fortunate, in that my depression is not as severe as it is for many people, at least based on some people's accounts that I have heard.  Nevertheless, I truly have it, and it has very real medical symptoms.  When the episodes hit, my appetite goes to nothing--I've gone a week eating only a couple of meals that I forced down through pure willpower.  I've had whole months where I would wake up every morning to prolonged bouts of nausea.  I know when I'm really in for it when, like clockwork, I suddenly snap awake at 3 or 4 in the morning, no matter how tired I am from the previous day's early rising.  So, I know that it is a real, physical condition.  And, fortunately for me, one that has proven responsive to antidepressants.

That's one, completely correct and descriptive way I have of understanding what is going on with me.  But it is not the only way.

People ask me if I believe in the devil.  I certainly do--I've met him.
Most often, he comes as a voice.  My voice.  His message to me varies depending on the circumstances, but the theme is remarkably consistent.  Whatever it is that I am doing, whatever challenges I am dealing with at the time, he tells me that people are watching me and constantly keeping score of my wins and losses.  In his calculation, any wins that I have are a product of the talents I have been given, and thus don't count for much.  The losses, well, the losses are all on me.  Despite stacking the deck against me like that, he tells me that this is the reality of the world, and that I better get to staving off those losses before someone notices.  And people are taking notice of my losses, no matter how trivial.  Any minute now, there will be a reckoning for those losses.  If those around me--co-workers, friends, family, whoever--haven't said anything yet, well, its only a matter of time for the hammer to come down.  Or, at least, so he tells me.

But its not simply about the day-to-day things where others are keeping score.  Ultimately what is at stake is the one thing that I want, and what everyone wants--love, and to be loved.  That love is always conditional, he says.  It is conditional on my ability to cover up my warts and imperfections.  People must not see the real me, he says, the one that is broken and flawed and scared and wounded.  Why would anyone love that?  He's not being cruel, he says, he's just being real.  No one would actually love you for you.  And if they appear to, either I have done a good job of conning them, or otherwise their apparent love is really just for show--a misplaced kindness borne out of pity.  Because, he says, I know the real truth, and I know he is right.

For a very long time, I have been convinced that his voice actually is my voice.  Recently, I have come to start to separate his voice from my own.  I don't believe it is my voice because I do not think I am as cruel as he is.  I don't think I've met anyone as cruel as he is.  But more importantly, I have come to see that he is a liar.  People are not keeping score, waiting to pounce of every trivial error I make.  The people who love me actually do so with full knowledge of who I am.  And the God that I have believed in my whole life doesn't look at me the way the voice tells me that everyone does.  In fact, He sent His son to prove it to us, and to me.

So, the voice is a liar.  But they are lies that are sometimes hard to ignore.  And I know that there will be times, the dark times, when I will believe those lies.  I have before.  I am sure I will again.

Yes, I believe in the devil.  I've met him.

Comments

Mary Pat Lichtman said…
Mike, Jason is here for a day or two visiting us now. I am married to his Dad. He reminded me of your blog and I'm interested in your thoughts. These are common thoughts among religious people. I think Catholics suffer a lot more than Protestants, but Jews are probably not far away. Thanks for sharing and if you want to talk further, please email me directly at mplichtman@live.com.
October 21, 2013 at 8:38 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Another Theology of the Body, Part VI--A Theological Exploration of the Clitoris

I was introduced to The Body's Grace by Frank from Letters to the Catholic Right in this post , where he quotes Williams saying: It puts the question which is also raised for some kinds of moralist by the existence of the clitoris in women; something whose function is joy. If the creator were quite so instrumentalist in ‘his’ attitude to sexuality, these hints of prodigality and redundancy in the way the whole thing works might cause us to worry about whether he was, after all, in full rational control of it. But if God made us for joy…? I want to talk about the first part of that quote here, regarding the clitoris.  I am not aware of any theology that has been done on the clitoris, but there should be.  As Williams alludes to, the existence and nature of the clitoris is a theological "problem," especially if you want to hold on to traditional Christian sexual morality.  It is especially problematic if you want to hold that sexuality needs to be understood through the...
Read more

On a Pelagian Politics, and Why It Would Be Good

I have two very hot takes.  The first is that Joe Biden is the best United States President in my lifetime, and probably the best since Franklin Roosevelt, and his many critics on both the right and the left are wrong.  The second is that the Irish monk Pelagius and his (mostly Celtic) disciples were basically right, and more specifically Pelagius's great opponent Augustine (and by extension the rest of the Western Church ever since) was wrong.  But the hottest take, the Hegelian synthesis of this Hotness, is that these two takes are ultimately the same take.  I believe that Biden is a great President because I am a Pelagian with a Pelagian world view, whereas American politics is fundamentally Calvinist, which is just Augustinianism taken to its logical conclusion. Let me try to justify this ball of hot takes. 1. Most of what we know of Pelagius comes from his opponents, especially Augustine and Jerome, who attempted (more or less successfully) to have him cast out ...
Read more

A Reflection on the Past, and Also on Art

Exactly twenty-two years ago, in February of 2002, I was living in River Forest, Illinois, finishing up my undergraduate degree.  I was living in an enormous old priory, hoping that I would be able to join the Dominicans when I was done with school in the summer (which, in fact, happened).  The priory was built in the 50s, when the Dominicans would have classes of a fifty or sixty students a year.  Those days were long gone, and so I was the only person living on the hall, on the far other side of the building from the actual Dominicans.  Other than meals, I was basically living entirely by myself. In my evenings, after getting done with my homework, I had a ritual on weekdays.  I would turn on the radio to the Chicago rock radio station Q101 and listen to the syndicated show Loveline .  Loveline  was a call-in show, focused on giving sex and relationship advice to teenagers and twenty-somethings.  The hosts of the show were comedian Adam Corolla ...
Read more